18 vs.6

I chose to stay at the stairs because I decided I didn't want to move on. I hurt myself to feel pain, to feel it in my arms so I can at least identify where it's coming from. I guess I really am one of those people that likes self-inflicted pain. I would take all the pain if it meant you would be happy. I would do anything and change anything if I was sure I could so that you can stay with me. But I'm not sure if I could change my feelings, but I realized that I didn't even offer to give us another chance to see if things can work out. I'm sorry but I didn't want to hurt you some more if it didn't work out. I think I've checked your blog more often in the past 24 hours than I have in weeks. Maybe you stopped checking this and won't ever read this, and maybe that's for the best.

The self-fish part of me really wanted you to stay, I knew you wouldn't come back again for the last time because you promised you would go home and you've never lied to me. I only managed to move because I made that promise. I miss you so much. And I think it's finally hit me that you've left me. You were decided to let me go but I don't think I was.. I need to tell myself:

 

Without

Without me wasting his time, he can find someone whom he can love.

Without me, he can be happy.

Without me, he can live life a little more everyday.

Without me, he is free.

Without me, I can't hurt him anymore.

Without me, he has people who are important to him.

Without me, he can have fun like before.

Without me, he will make his dream come true.

Without me, he won't be driven crazy.

 

Without him, I won't be so jealous.

Without him, I see nothing in the future.

Without him, a part of me is missing.

Without him, I can no longer feel.

Without him, I'm left alone in my little world again.

Without him, I am going crazy.

 

Without me, his life might be better.

Realize how much better his life can be without me.

That's why he has to leave me.

"Be Happy. Stay Happy. Will Be Happy."

 

Sincerely,

Me

 

Now Playing: Brandy - Have You Ever

I don't know what to say or do anymore..

No matter how much I hated tears, that's all I want to do now; hoping that soon I'd just run out because I can't manage to do anything else.

 

You're the reason why I could sleep soundly at night and the reason why I soak the sheets until I'm exhausted.

 

 "What do you do when the only person who can stop your tears is the one making you cry."

I nearly forgot how much this hurts, this is starting to feel like a partial repeat from 4 years ago. I think you can tell it's love when feel a pain so great and overwhelming that it courses through your body, a pain you never thought possible to feel because of someone. And yet, you can't pinpoint where it exactly hurts because it's pain boiling from the inside and it makes your whole body shake. It is when you think about them and your throat clogs up as you struggle to resist the tears. It is when you want to plan a future that includes them, as if they'd always be a part of your life, but feel scared because you woudln't know what to do if they were to walk right out of your life one day. It is when you have to try to not let them be so important because every moment of the day, they're on your mind and it's a process as natural as breathing.

 

 Waking up every morning with the little hope that today might be the day, and going to bed with that little hope gone, I'm feeling hopeless. Correction*: I wake up knowing today won't be the day.

 

I've been trying to wait patiently, pushing all the questions and insecurities to the back, trying not to pressure you. I haven't told you exactly how I feel because I don't want to pressure you, but I think you should know (iff you wanted to). All the while, I didn't realize it until lately, everyday that I'm waiting a part of my already damaged heart dies and along with it, a part of me. There is no one to blame, I took the risk, thinking you'd understand and treasure a scarred heart, thinking you were ready.

 

I should know better than to hope at all. But as long as there's a bit of hope left, however miniscule, and you still want me to be a part of your life, I don't want to give up.

 

"I used to think that if I loved you enough you would realize it and love me back, but I can only love so much for so long."

So until that day comes or I'm entirely and utterly shattered ...

What is love? Love is judged by each individual and one has no right to tell another what they feel or think isn't love.

The saddest yet most beautiful thing in life is the love between two people that overrides all the trivial arguments, petty jealousies, and neverending difficulties and challenges.

Does love really lasts or does it turn into a type of tolerance for one another along with comfort with the familiar?

And is it better having once loved than never having been loved at all?

Possibly cliche, but does letting go really mean unself-fish love?

I wish you all luck with your venture to discover this "true love".  I think I've had enough of this scary and painful path. The strong ones will make it to the end of the path, but I am weak. I need someone to hold my hand through it all but I'm starting to realize that there might possibly be no one at the right time at the right twist in the path.

Mon coeur commence à saigner à nouveau, je veux juste que ça s'arrête.

Je suis désolé, l'amour. Je ne peux pas faire cela sans ton amour.

Heart Vacancy
Now Playing: The Wanted - Heart Vacancy

Is it mind over soul or soul over mind?

Anyways, I wish there was someone who could hear and try to make it right for me.

 Despite how hard it seems, there's room for one more. Whoever you decide to open the door for will be an extremely lucky person; I hope Nike knows that. Make someone lucky.

Laugh
During situations of which there seems to have no positive end, laugh. Fighting tears from those eyes because of infinite problems, LAUGH. Minor details that heighten that stress level and load, LAUGH it out. LAUGH HYSTERICALLY. If tears flow and laughter continues, let it go. LAUGH. JUST LAUGH.

Judging-Assumptions
We're always taught to not "judge a book by its cover," but deep inside, we all do. Whether we consciously or subconsciously make assumptions about others, we're judging them. Even if one doesn't feel like  he or she is "judging" another, he or she is. Assumptions are automatically made about another person and that is where the joy or interest originates from meeting someone new. As we get to know them, we will realize that the assumptions made are true or false. That results in dislike for one another, or possibly real friends that may stick around for parts of your life.